It’s been a while since I last wrote. In all honesty that’s because I have had such a busy couple of weeks that I haven’t had the energy for anything else. I also haven’t really known what to say. It’s been a strange limbo time for me, not in a bad way, in fact overall it has been a pretty good couple of weeks, but I feel like I’ve been edging my way into a new life, a new me, and I’m not sure I totally like it.
I started this week being told that I couldn’t have the operation I needed, not for another couple of months at least. After the inital ‘oh bugger’ wore off, it has actually been a bit of a relief. I’d been putting off planning anything because I wasn’t sure how I would be after the op (originally scheduled for tomorrow) and now it feels a bit like I have some breathing space and a bit more time to sort my life out. Which I’m trying to do.
I’ve been travelling quite a bit the last couple of weeks, and I’ve also been a lot more social. I’ve enjoyed it and been glad to be busy, but it has taken it’s toll, and reality has bitten me on the ass a bit the last few days. The exhaustion has been worse than I have ever had before, I crashed for 14hrs the other day (unheard of for me – 3hrs is normally a good sleep!) and still woke up as if I hadn’t slept at all. My heart is actually behaving itself for the most part, but my kidneys have born the brunt of all the excitement.
It was on Wednesday, driving home along the M4 and so exhausted I thought I would fall asleep, that the reality hit me that, no matter how much I don’t want to be, I am a sick person. Considering that fact, I still think I do a pretty good job of getting out there and doing things…but the more I try and pretend that I’m not sick, the sicker it is going to make me. I HAVE to start making allowances for the fact that I don’t have as much energy or resources as most people. Otherwise I will be floored for weeks. It all comes back to accepting that I am not, in fact, Superwoman.
There’s another part to this too: if I am not superwoman, then, dare I say it, I might actually need other people. And that is a little bit scary for me. In fact, it’s terrifying. I have more people in my life now than ever before, and I know that there are plenty of people who would help me if I asked. And who have helped me even when I haven’t asked. But I still have the abused child mentality of ‘I’m not good enough’ and it is still quite difficult to accept that anyone could care.
But this is where my life is also changing. I don’t hate myself anymore. I know that people care, even if I’m not always sure why. I’m letting people in to my world, in a way I never have before. I’m letting people know me. And it’s scary and it makes me feel far too vulnerable at times…but I don’t have the energy to pretend to be anyone else anymore. This is me, this is my life.
The pinnacle of this I guess was allowing myself to be filmed this week. I would never have done this before. But now a little bit of my story is out there for all to see on sensibleeating.net
I may not like the reality of my life. But it is all I have and so I have to accept it so that I can have a future. So, how does a little bit more me, a little more rest and a little less fear sound for a start?
Only Human Too... 
Great read Callie, you’ve got such an amazing story that it seems a shame to keep it locked away.
Keep doing what your doing, your doing great things x
Callie, you’ve been through so much – so many would have blamed such diagnosises and events for their demise – and worse, let that demise happen.
But you’re strong. You may not feel it, but your determination to beat everything that life throws at you, shines through. You truly are a special person.
Can’t wait to meet you in person.
V x
Determination is a great asset, this post shows that, thank you! It’s really powerful to acknowledge vulnerability.
You shine through your words.
x
That sounds like a great start Callie. And accepting love and help is a good next step. Your friends want to help because that is the human condition, for the most part, and people love to help each other. We know that we reap what we sow, we give support because at times we like to receive it . Those of us in a more settled and secure space and a little more to give at this moment in time know that you’d (and will ) do the same for us. Accepting help is the greatest honour you can pay your friends:) sounds to me like you’re turning a corner- and we’re right there with you xx
Not superwoman? Pah! Tish & Pish! Of course you are but even superheroes need looking after hun!
Love ya heaps Callie – you are a truly awesome person and hopefully if you keep on listening to those of us who consider ourselves your friends you’ll keep on believing it a bit more every time xx
Was truly an honour Callie to sit and listen to you for 45 minutes or so… to be honest very difficult to believe you are really ill at all! What a remarkable degree of courage and strength you have shown already, more than many of us would dare hope to possess in a lifetime, and yet daily you continue to do the impossible.
Yes take some time out to rest, yes make sure that you don’t overdo it… but don’t ever stop being the inspiration that you have become for many… including myself!
We all have to accept our limitations and boundaries, as none of us are supermen and women. Realising our humanity, accepting it, is the first step to happiness. So there 🙂
Brave step Callie, you’re one heck of a fighter 🙂
By the way, my wedding ring is made of palladium, which is the stuff that keeps Robert Downey Jnr going in Iron Man. I reckon that makes me immortal 😉