An Epilogue

I thought I had better write a short post after the overwhelming response I received to my last one – Nine Lives Live For Ten. As well as the beautiful comments written on the blog itself I was also inundated with tweets. I wasn’t expecting that, so thank you guys. It’s amazing to see how many of you care and are with me on this journey.

To clarify, I’m not giving up. It’s not in my nature. As tough as the world seems at times I try to hold onto the beauty in it. The hope in it. The kindness and love in it. The fact that tomorrow is always another day and you never know what it will bring.

I just need to rethink, regroup, refocus. Plan my way through the latest challenges so that I stand the best chance of a future that I can be proud of. However long that future may be.

My goal in this life has never been ‘how much stuff can I accumulate’ (although I do like a good shiny thing as much as the next person!) it has always been ‘how can I use this to help others’ and that’s where my focus needs to be right now. Creating something that can carry on long after I’m no longer here.

But have no fear, you definitely don’t get rid of me that easily!

Nine Lives Live for Ten

It’s the early hours of the morning as I write this, and I’m fairly sure nothing good can come from a blog post written at that time, so please read on at your peril…

Believe it or not I consider myself to be luckier than most – the cat with nine lives I’ve been called. Death has always been a shadow beside me ever since I was a small child. I should have died at least 8 times by now and always, at the eleventh hour (or rather, with my bad time keeping, the eleventh hour and fifty ninth minute) I was saved in some way. I have been abused, raped, drowned, shot, stabbed, in bad accidents, and declared terminally ill. That’s quite a lot for one little life.

It would be easy to say that the Universe has it in for me. That I am being punished for some unforgiveable sin committed in another life time. And for a long time I did believe that. As a child I was shown no love, no care, just horrific abuse, and as most children in that situation would do, I took the blame as mine. And, as is always the way, those first lessons we learn in life are the hardest to unlearn. And they also create our blueprints for the future. My childhood was filled with pain, fear and the threat of death. So it’s not really that surprising that these have been recurring themes throughout the rest of my life, is it?

Despite this, I do consider myself to be blessed. Surely my ‘luck’ should be defined by the fact that I have survived all these things, and not the fact that they happened at all? The events themselves do not define me, even though it may feel that way at times.

Instead what these events have done is given me an ever present sense of my mortality and that, as the old cliché says, you should live each day as if it were your last. And that has enabled me to do some amazing things and have some truly wonderful memories to look back on and be proud of. But I have also managed to keep my hope of a happy future alive and work towards this at the same time. It’s a delicate balance that I’m not very good at! And yes, I wholly admit that there have been times when giving up seemed like the much easier option. But always, as I am about to surrender, something reminds me of what it is I’ve been fighting for all these years. And that gives me the strength to carry on.  There are things that I want to achieve that will mean that all that I have been through has not been for nothing.

So, I’m sitting here tonight after a very difficult day and I am contemplating my mortality once more. I am thinking of all the things I have done previously and I am wondering where I go from here. How can I use this for the greater good? And all I can really think is…

I’m on my ninth life guys, and I’m approaching the eleventh hour…but I’m not done trying to change the world yet.

Thanks for all the fish

It’s been a long time since I updated this blog. As always life seems to have taken over.

It’s funny how you can find yourself in a place you never quite imagined. The life I have now seems so very different from the one I had when I began this challenge. And it’s not that the starting place was bad, I just didn’t realise how much else I could have.

And now here I am, 5 months later, working all over the country, in a new relationship and with more friends than I could shake a stick at. And these are REAL friends. The kind that never fail to make me smile, who make the day that little bit better and who offer to help me out when I am sick. The kind that make me feel blessed. And I hope I do the same for them. It turns out letting people in, pulling down the walls a little bit, can pay dividends.

I also find it odd that all these things have happened because of a networking site. I’ve talked about 4networking before, and I don’t want to wax lyrical about it. But credit where credit is due, without it I would not be in the position of strength that I am now. Or rather, without the fabulous people I’ve met there (and there are too many to name!), I wouldn’t. I even met my boyfriend (who conveniently lives at the other end of the country – trust me) through the network. If you’d told me that a year ago I would have laughed.

I was talking to someone at a 4N meeting on Friday and they were asking about my health, and it reminded me I hadn’t updated this blog. The truth is I have been both better and worse over the past month. I have been doing more than ever. Traveling lots, socialising lots, working lots. I have coped with it well for the most part – 4 months ago I would never have been able to do this much. And my heart is a little bit stronger, which is excellent. I can breathe easier, and you have no idea the relief that that brings.

And I have already succeeded in the challenge. I have managed to avoid dialysis for 5 months now. A miracle according to the doctors. In fact I even managed to improve my kidney function enough for my status to be downgraded. But, as usual, old habits die hard and I pushed myself too hard and took my eye off the ball. So I’ve gone downhill a little bit again.

I’ve now got another 3 weeks to improve my kidney function again before dialysis will inevitably have to start. So I’m taking some time out to make sure I can do that. If at the end of that time dialysis is still the route that is needed, then I will deal with that and all that that means.

But with friends reminding me to take care of myself, a greater sense of self worth and all to fight for, I’m fairly confident I will be able to beat the odds again.

And to all that are walking this journey with me, no matter how big or small your part, thank you.