Let’s Go Round Again

Push. Crash. Burn. Rest. Repeat.

There are some patterns we just can’t change. Whether because we don’t want to or because we don’t know how.  Or at least that’s what I was planning on saying on Monday, when I was originally going to write this blog post.

You see, the week before last, I ended up in hospital every time I left the house. I passed out in the supermarket one day, another day I fell and ended up with internal bleeding (fixed by homeopathic remedies thankfully!). I was exhausted, I was pushing myself too hard, and my body just couldn’t cope. But I kept pushing, because I didn’t want to let anyone down by canceling things, because I didn’t want to be seen as weak, because I just didn’t want to admit that I can’t do everything on full speed the way I used to. My way has always been to just get on with things, no matter how tired I am or how upset I am or how much pain I’m in. Pushing through is what I do.

And usually, despite the hospital visits, I would have just kept on going. I would have carried on carrying on until I literally didn’t have a choice but to stop. Which really isn’t the cleverest thing to do as then I would have been down for a long time recovering, defeating the point somewhat. And I know this. I know all the things I should do, I tell my clients these things, yet I fail to apply them to myself. Is that because I’m arrogant? No. It’s because I’m scared that if I stop, that will be it, I won’t get started again. And it is because I have always had to be strong and man up and just survive the best I could.

But things have changed wihtout me noticing, my life is a bit different now. I have people who care enough about me that they see that I’m struggling and they encourage me to stop. There are people that I know, if I needed something, would help. And there are people who would kick my ass if they thought I wasn’t going to get started again. In essence, it’s not just me in this little world of mine anymore.

So, instead I took a week off, worked from home, looked after myself, slept more than I’ve ever slept, ate good food, cuddled the cat and remembered to take all my remedies and supplements. The result? I feel better than I have done in a long time and ready to face the next few weeks. And believe me, that is a massive relief.

Does that mean I’m going to stop pushing myself? Probably not in honesty, I’m an Aries after all! But if I balance that with knowing when to stop, when to retreat into my own space for awhile, and putting my body’s needs first rather than last, I’m hoping I won’t keep getting to the crash stage before I stop. Because it’s actually not a weakness to stop before that point. I don’t actually have anything to prove. Everybody needs down time some times, everybody needs to reassess and take care of themselves. It’s not a bad thing.

And the truth is, everything changes eventually, whether you want it to or not. It’s better to be in control of that change than have it thrust upon you.

Reality Bites

It’s been a while since I last wrote. In all honesty that’s because I have had such a busy couple of weeks that I haven’t had the energy for anything else. I also haven’t really known what to say. It’s been a strange limbo time for me, not in a bad way, in fact overall it has been a pretty good couple of weeks, but I feel like I’ve been edging my way into a new life, a new me, and I’m not sure I totally like it.

I started this week being told that I couldn’t have the operation I needed, not for another couple of months at least. After the inital ‘oh bugger’ wore off, it has actually been a bit of a relief. I’d been putting off planning anything because I wasn’t sure how I would be after the op (originally scheduled for tomorrow) and now it feels a bit like I have some breathing space and a bit more time to sort my life out. Which I’m trying to do.

I’ve been travelling quite a bit the last couple of weeks, and I’ve also been a lot more social. I’ve enjoyed it and been glad to be busy, but it has taken it’s toll, and reality has bitten me on the ass a bit the last few days. The exhaustion has been worse than I have ever had before, I crashed for 14hrs the other day (unheard of for me – 3hrs is normally a good sleep!) and still woke up as if I hadn’t slept at all. My heart is actually behaving itself for the most part, but my kidneys have born the brunt of all the excitement.

It was on Wednesday, driving home along the M4 and so exhausted I thought I would fall asleep, that the reality hit me that, no matter how much I don’t want to be, I am a sick person. Considering that fact, I still think I do a pretty good job of getting out there and doing things…but the more I try and pretend that I’m not sick, the sicker it is going to make me. I HAVE to start making allowances for the fact that I don’t have as much energy or resources as most people. Otherwise I will be floored for weeks. It all comes back to accepting that I am not, in fact, Superwoman.

There’s another part to this too: if I am not superwoman, then, dare I say it, I might actually need other people. And that is a little bit scary for me. In fact, it’s terrifying. I have more people in my life now than ever before, and I know that there are plenty of people who would help me if I asked. And who have helped me even when I haven’t asked. But I still have the abused child mentality of ‘I’m not good enough’ and it is still quite difficult to accept that anyone could care.

But this is where my life is also changing. I don’t hate myself anymore. I know that people care, even if I’m not always sure why. I’m letting people in to my world, in a way I never have before. I’m letting people know me. And it’s scary and it makes me feel far too vulnerable at times…but I don’t have the energy to pretend to be anyone else anymore. This is me, this is my life.

The pinnacle of this I guess was allowing myself to be filmed this week. I would never have done this before. But now a little bit of my story is out there for all to see on sensibleeating.net

I may not like the reality of my life. But it is all I have and so I have to accept it so that I can have a future.  So, how does a little bit more me, a little more rest and a little less fear sound for a start?