Let’s Go Round Again

Push. Crash. Burn. Rest. Repeat.

There are some patterns we just can’t change. Whether because we don’t want to or because we don’t know how.  Or at least that’s what I was planning on saying on Monday, when I was originally going to write this blog post.

You see, the week before last, I ended up in hospital every time I left the house. I passed out in the supermarket one day, another day I fell and ended up with internal bleeding (fixed by homeopathic remedies thankfully!). I was exhausted, I was pushing myself too hard, and my body just couldn’t cope. But I kept pushing, because I didn’t want to let anyone down by canceling things, because I didn’t want to be seen as weak, because I just didn’t want to admit that I can’t do everything on full speed the way I used to. My way has always been to just get on with things, no matter how tired I am or how upset I am or how much pain I’m in. Pushing through is what I do.

And usually, despite the hospital visits, I would have just kept on going. I would have carried on carrying on until I literally didn’t have a choice but to stop. Which really isn’t the cleverest thing to do as then I would have been down for a long time recovering, defeating the point somewhat. And I know this. I know all the things I should do, I tell my clients these things, yet I fail to apply them to myself. Is that because I’m arrogant? No. It’s because I’m scared that if I stop, that will be it, I won’t get started again. And it is because I have always had to be strong and man up and just survive the best I could.

But things have changed wihtout me noticing, my life is a bit different now. I have people who care enough about me that they see that I’m struggling and they encourage me to stop. There are people that I know, if I needed something, would help. And there are people who would kick my ass if they thought I wasn’t going to get started again. In essence, it’s not just me in this little world of mine anymore.

So, instead I took a week off, worked from home, looked after myself, slept more than I’ve ever slept, ate good food, cuddled the cat and remembered to take all my remedies and supplements. The result? I feel better than I have done in a long time and ready to face the next few weeks. And believe me, that is a massive relief.

Does that mean I’m going to stop pushing myself? Probably not in honesty, I’m an Aries after all! But if I balance that with knowing when to stop, when to retreat into my own space for awhile, and putting my body’s needs first rather than last, I’m hoping I won’t keep getting to the crash stage before I stop. Because it’s actually not a weakness to stop before that point. I don’t actually have anything to prove. Everybody needs down time some times, everybody needs to reassess and take care of themselves. It’s not a bad thing.

And the truth is, everything changes eventually, whether you want it to or not. It’s better to be in control of that change than have it thrust upon you.