How Am I Still Here?

I turned 27 recently. Not a milestone birthday, not even a big number for most, but it suddenly struck me that actually, this was a massive achievement for me. And, as with all birthday’s, it led to some thinking about life, the universe, and all that has come before.

I am more content with my life now than I ever remember being. I have a home, good friends, an over affectionate cat, a nice man, and my own business. Yes, I have the usual struggles with money (what is this elusive thing called a healthy bank balance?!) and of course the whole heart and kidney failure can be a bit of a bind at times (understatement of the day!). But, in general, I’m pretty happy with my lot. I never thought I would come this far or have so many good things in my life.

I was just 15 when I was given my first ‘terminal’ diagnosis. To still be here 12 years later? Well, even I don’t know how I’ve managed that! There has been a lot of hairy moments along the way, from stupid accidents (such as falling off a cliff whilst being chased by mountain goats) to times when I really thought that my health was defeating me (heart attacks are not fun!). And then there are the non health related problems, which are too many to go into here! The bad has, in fact, far outweighed the good in this little life of mine.

But I have a tendency to make light of my life. There has been so much darkness in it, so much heartache and pain, that I could easily have let it destroy me. And in some ways it has. Because this illness of mine is all down to that past. Down to specific events and down to the way I have reacted to it. Internalising my pain and turning into something physical rather than emotional. Because pain in the body is far easier to deal with than pain in the soul.

Having said that though, I have always managed to hold onto hope, no matter how dark things seemed. Instead of focusing on those events that have caused me pain, I chose to focus on the good things they brought to me. If I had never become sick, I would never have gone backpacking round Australia. And if I hadn’t done that, I wouldn’t have discovered homeopathy, so not only would I not have my career, but I also wouldn’t have my life. Each difficult event has led me onto a path that I would not otherwise have found, and introduced me to people who have taught me something important, or who I have been able to help in some way.

The cruel thing with life is that we often only see the benefit in the hard times, once we are out of them. When we don’t really need the comfort of knowing that we are being taken where we need to go. If you can hold yourself through the dark times though, or if you have people who love you enough to hold you through them, then you are often rewarded with something better. A few steps further along the windy path of life.

The hard times aren’t over for me, and I know this. I have long since given up on the dream of an easy or quiet life. But I know that whatever the future holds, and however long that future is, I will hold to hope and also continue to strive to make a difference, both in my own life and in other peoples. I have made it this far, I have survived this long, I don’t plan on being defeated yet.

And if I make it to 30, well, I’m going to throw one hell of a party!