Prepare for the worst. Expect the best.

I’ve been planning my Will today, which is obviously not the most cheerful of things to do. Now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t me being defeatist, I actually believe that everyone should have an up to date Will, whether they are ill or not. None of us know how long we have or what’s around the corner, so to my mind it is better to, as the old saying goes ‘prepare for the worst, expect the best, and be happy with anything in between’.

I was discussing this with the newly ordained Brendan Johnson (@brendanjota) a few days ago. There is such a culture of fear around talking about death in this country, and yes, it’s not the nicest of topics, but thinking about your Will doesn’t mean you will die (well, lets face it, we are all going to die, but having a will won’t speed the process along!) just as discussing what you want to happen if you become ill or on life support doesn’t mean it will happen. What it does mean is that the people you leave behind when the inevitable happens, will know what you want. It is a last act of love, if you like, to take the burden of decisions off the shoulders of people grieving your loss.

Unlike many people, I have never really had a fear of death, which is pretty lucky. I can also be fairly flippant about talking about it, which I realise can be difficult for some people to understand. It’s just the way I deal with it I’m afraid. I don’t embrace death but I don’t run away from it either. However I am too stubborn to die just because a doctor tells me I should! Which could mean I live forever at this rate…

It is odd though, because there is a sadness attached to the thought of dying now. That’s quite new for me to be honest. But, for the first time since my daughter died, there are people for me to leave behind. People for me to live for. People that, I can just about accept, actually love me and might miss me and be sad that I am gone. So it does make me a little sad when I think about not being here anymore. But mostly it makes me happy that I have those people in my life now. These are the people that keep me going and help me along this journey. And it would be a far more tedious journey without them!

Thinking about my will has helped me see how many people I will be sad to not see again. How many people I now have in my life that I care about and love (and who hopefully care about or love me too). And how many people I might want to inflict my cat on when I go! So I’m actually feeling quite warm and fuzzy believe it or not. It’s nice to be in a place where I have things to lose and to not want to lose them. It’s nice to have things to live for again.

And the best thing is, now that I’ve prepared for the worst, I can get on with enjoying the present!