You don’t always get what you want…

It’s a beautiful autumn Sunday and despite feeling physically rubbish I’m actually quite, dare I say it, content right now. It’s the perfect morning for sitting and reflecting and just feeling at peace with the world.

It is hard to believe that it is now 9months on from my initial 2month challenge to keep off dialysis and I am still here and still medication and dialysis free. The challenge isn’t exactly over – I will still have to work every day to keep the level of health I have managed to claw back over the past few months. But today I am focusing on what a massive achievement it is that I have actually come this far. To be perfectly honest, when I initially set myself the challenge, I wasn’t sure it was possible. It just goes to show that it never hurts to try.

And that leads me on to looking at the rest of my life.  I have never made happiness my goal. Since a young age I have never believed that a long and happy life was my destiny. But as I’ve grown older I have looked more and more to achieve what I once considered impossible – a sense of contentment and peacefulness at being here, at just being alive. That is more achievable and more meaningful to me than happiness can ever be, because happiness, no matter how great, is only ever fleeting. We all have moments of happiness, but it is how we feel after that initial head rush has worn off that I am interested in.

Right now, I’m content in a way I never remember being before. Yes, let’s be honest, heart and kidney failure are not exactly ideal, easy or nice. But I’m not going to let that dictate the rest of my life. In the last 9 months I have settled into myself and into my life. I have forgiven myself for things that were never my fault to begin with and I have given myself permission to be here. And with that has come a lot of good things – I now live with someone who loves me and is good to me, something that I never thought was a possibility. I also have a life. An actual life, with friends and laughter and normal things like that. That might sound a little strange, but given my past it is hard for me to let people into my life, I have always hidden who I am, but now there is a host of people who accept me and seem to care about me anyway. That is an amazing feeling.

I also have my work. I love what I do and now I am able to do it on an even greater level than before. Yes, my health impacts it, but I will never stop doing what I am passionate about. In fact, this month sees me launching two new businesses! And I am studying too, a degree in psychology both because it fascinates me and because I hope to be able to use it someday to help people like me (I’ve never exactly been one for resting on my laurels!)

Which brings me to my point (yes, I do actually have one for a change!) We all know the saying, immortalised by the Rolling Stones, ‘You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need’.  It used to really really piss me off to be honest. The same way that people saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ used to make me rage inside. But actually, it is true, at least for me right now. All these things I have now are things that I wanted 3 years ago. But actually, I wasn’t in a place 3 years ago where I could have had them, I needed to work my way to this place where, not only am I content, but I actually stand a chance of being able to stay that way. I got what I needed to enable me to get to a place where I would get what I wanted – if I persevered.

There are more things I could share but I think I am already at risk of veering too much into the strychnine sweet territory that irritates me, and probably all of you too. So let us just leave it that, right now, all is good in my world (which isn’t the same thing as easy, just for the record!), and for that I am beyond grateful.

Although a new body would be nice if anyone has one going spare.